The Way I See It...July 11

      As I look at 40 in less than six months, I have gained a certain amount of wisdom and ignorance along my life's meander.  All in all, it's been a fruitful and rewarding life.  If any of you younger folks are reading this, let it be a lesson to you!  My metabolism decided that it would be really funny if it would come to a screeching halt at age 25.  I used to be able to eat a large pizza in one sitting and still remain a svelte 145!  Now I look at a picture of a pizza and my ass is a voluminous 145!  I keep my weight under 170 by running after my children and eating lettuce, multigrain toast and pictures of chocolate cake.  

     Here is a little list of wisdom and foibles gained in these four short decades. 

Life - It's kinda like a good bed.  Make it real nice and wash the covers once a week.

Kids - Love 'em while their home.  Miss 'em when their not.  Be firm and frank with advice.  And make sure that you were nice enough to them so that when it comes time to, they will be changing your diapers!

Sex - If you got some, that's good.  If you didn't, that's alright too, as what you don't know won't kill you.  But if you got it only once....I suggest cosmetic surgery.

Work - Any job that doesn't have a ceiling is a good job.  Be patient and work hard and honest, and someday you will be the asshole boss!  Count on it!

Family - You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.  Some members are good, some are OK, and some are well, the stuff of talks at the Thanksgiving table.  How you act in family social functions will determine the types of rumors started about you.  If you are married, I suggest staying away from the alcohol.  If you are single, I suggest staying away from family social functions. 

Meditation - Sometimes I sits and thinks.  Other times I just sits.

Restroom - See Meditation.

Marriage - After nearly sixteen years married to the same woman, I can honestly say that I believe in the constitution: my wife's!  I am alive, therefore I am a good husband.

Household Chores - That silver roll of sticky stuff fixes everything.  Duck It and F*@k It!

Car Maintenance - Same thing.

Hobbies - The older I get, the safer they become.  I figure by the time I am 65 I will be heavily involved with something that requires a padded seat and orthopedic footwear.  Full contact sport fishing maybe or arm wrestling for the melon baller.

Religion - I figure anything that is done routinely is a religion.  We're all fanatics!  I myself am a staunch fundamentalist whiner.  Just ask my wife!

Movies - I am pretty much deaf after the THX sound promo so I just make up the dialogue as I watch the film.  Keanu Reeves actually said something interesting the other day instead of being in his "Own Private I Don't Know".  Great fun!

Holidays - The designated days on your calendar which determine whether or not, according to your behavior, your children will take care of you when you are old and feeble.

Laxatives - Your only revenge in your old age. 

Fruit - See above

Cheese - Your children's revenge in your old age.

Vacation - The act of controlled chaos that ensues when one decides that a break from the work-a-day world is needed.  It usually involves gas station food, vehicle problems, family mediations, constipation, high park and hotel fees, small towels, purchasing souvenieurs that will be broken before returning home, realizing you left the coffee maker on at mile 350, listening to your kids' music for hours on end, and an average of six bottles of antacids.  When the vacation is over, you return to work to relax.

Television - Save your money and throw a spoon in the microwave.

Fitness - The human body's fitness level is easily gauged by the food it is currently taking in for nourishment.  No food should be harder than the body consuming it.  It's a good rule I think.  I'm sustaining myself on mashed potatoes and cotton.

Fiber - Two to Three grams per meal is the suggested intake.  Not the picket fence I see some people eating.  I saw one guy's meal the other day at my local whole foods store and his plate looked like a Logging Show.  I hope he washed it down with a shot of Liquid Plumber!

Sports - People who willingly eat the mystery jello molds at pot lucks.

Sadists - The people who make the mystery jello molds at pot lucks.

Entrepreneurs - Inventors of jello.

Pets - Anything that takes up more space in bed than you and the wife combined and leaves a wet spot that you cannot claim responsibility for can be construed as a pet.  Important note:  not to be confused with kids.  Although it can be hard to tell the difference at times.

Alcohol - Any embibed fermented liquid substance that is a potential catalyst for pets or kids. 

Dessert - If you had a long meditation this morning, last night's dessert was probably not good for you. 

Cars - Should all be taken behind the barn and shot!

Horse - The thing that thumbs it's nose at the gas pump.

Feet - What a weary ass is thankful for when it's tired of sitting.

Junkfood - Anything that tastes good.

Healthy food - My current breakfast cereal is called something like Crunchy Bits Of Branny Twiggy Granola And Grass.  This stuff is so dry it will suck the spit out of your brain...ooog.

Death - The reward of making it through one bowl of my breakfast cereal.

     And that is how I see it this week.  Next week, with a new prescription of bifocals, I may see it differently!

E Buzz outtie!